If You Were Gay
by Traci Miller
Summary: Ichigo and Renji have a drunken conversation spanning many emotions.


If You Were Gay

By: Vamprina

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters/merchandise. I am not making any profit or receiving a reward in any form for this fanfiction. I am in no way affiliated or associated with Bleach or it's makers/owners. This fanfiction is purely for entertainment purposes.

Warning: Shounen ai, language, drunkenness, possible slight OOC

"Huh...?" Ichigo asked, looking at Renji through the haze the alcohol had brought upon his mind. His skin was a bit flushed and his reflexes a bit slower, as he stared in confusion at the redhead before him. Just what had they been talking about again...?

"I said..." Renji answered, sloshing his alcohol a bit as he gestured with his hand to emphasize that Ichigo needed to pay attention. "Are you gay?"

Ichigo blinked dumbly for a few minutes before he perked up, a lightbulb apparently going off in his head. "Oh! Uhhmmm...I dunno..."

Renji blinked at him. "Ya dunno??" he took another swig of his alcohol. Couldn't neglect that, now could he? No sir!

"No. No, I'm definitely not gay." Ichigo answered, nodding his head for emphasis, but decided that might not be such a good idea. Suddenly Renji was swaying. He couldn't be sure, but he thought Renji was actually sitting still.

"What about that time in your school when ya shoved me and told me to take it off?" Renji asked, watching Ichigo take another swig of his own alcohol.

"Fer tha las' time! Tha' ain' wha' I mean'!" Ichigo yelled, slurring more in his irritation that nobody seemed to believe him and the memory of the whole school suddenly deciding that his lack of interest in women was finally answered because he was OBVIOUSLY gay. Hmph! Jerks. One little misconception and his entire rep was ruined!

"What? I ain't good 'nough fer ya?" Renji asked, glaring. Who in the hell could resist Renji, such a fine male specimen of sexiness! At least, that's what Renji thought of himself. Especially when he was drunk.

"I didn' say that! I just ain' gay!" Ichigo insisted, slamming his hand onto the small table that separated them from each other to further drive home his point.

"Fine, fine. Whatever ya say, Ichi." Renji answered, taking another swig and letting Ichigo calm down while he drank some of his own.

"So..." Ichigo said, now having nothing to talk about. He couldn't even think up his random drunken stupidity any longer.

"So, if ya was gay, then what kinda guy wouldja like?" Renji asked, looking up at Ichigo again.

"Uhmm...I dunno. Kinda guy who wouldn't, like, be all meek." Ichigo answered, vaguely.

"Huh?" Renji asked, blinking a few times.

"What ya mean, 'huh'? I was pefectictly clear!" Ichigo said, ignoring his mispronunciation of the word 'perfectly'.

"Dun use such big words like 'meek' and shit." Renji said, taking an angry drink.

"Meek is a four letter word!" Ichigo yelled, holding up three fingers.

Renji blinked and burst out laughing.

"What's so damn funny?!" Ichigo asked, climbing over half the table to glare at Renji. "Sit still so I can glare at you right!" he ordered.

Renji snickered. "I am holdin still. Ain't my fault ya can't hold yer liquor."

"I'm just a teenager, I ain't old 'nough to drink, yet." Ichigo said in his own defense, moving back to his pillow and folding his arms as he pouted.

"Awww. It's okay, Ichi. How about you just answer my question with normal words this time?" Renji asked.

"Hmph. Fine. Somebody who ain't afraid to tell me when I do somethin they don't like and who ain't afraid to argue with me. I like ta argue. Sometimes. And yeah." Ichigo said, blushing a bit. However, it could've been the alcohol...

"Oh, yeah?" Renji asked with a grin. This was sounding good. He leaned forward a bit. "And what else wouldja like in this guy?"

"I guess he's gotta be a good guy, not like...ya know somebody who'd just as easily say they didn't know me when somethin bad goes down. I don't want somebody like that, ya know? I want somebody..." Ichigo cut off, unsure of the word he was looking for.

"Loyal?" Renji asked, quietly, not sounding as drunk as he had before. And, had Ichigo been less drunk than he was at the moment he would've noticed. But, since he was pretty drunk himself, he didn't.

"Yeah, loyal! And...and somebody who'd be there, ya know? Like, if I needed 'im. I ain't the type that'd go dump all my problems on somebody, 'cause...'cause I don't wanna be saved. I wanna do the savin. And it ain't 'cause I need some kinda ego boost. I know you all think that, 'cause of how I act when I get beat. But, that...that ain't it..." Ichigo said.

"Ichi, I ain't never thought--" Ichigo cut Renji off mid-sentence.

"Ya do. I heard you all talkin once, with Sandalhat, back when ya all thought I was layin down from injuries...Ya all were talkin about how inexperienced I am and how it shows 'cause it's like I think I'm some kinda superhero...that ain't it, Ren..." Ichigo said, softly.

"Then tell me how it is, Ichi..." Renji said, softly. He wouldn't have normally asked, but...Ichigo seemed to have something he needed to tell someone. And he thought maybe Ichigo was just drunk enough to actually confide in anyone who was willing to listen in a non-judgmental way.

Ichigo pursed his lips tightly for a moment before finally speaking. "I just...I know I ain't the only one and all...but when I was a kid I...I lost somebody real close to me..." he said, quietly.

"Yer mom?" Renji asked.

"How'd you know??" Ichigo looked up at Renji piercingly...well as piercingly as he could in his drunken state.

"It don't take a lot of thought, Ichi. I mean...you have your sisters, your dad...and then all those pictures of yer mom...but she ain't around. I don't think her pictures'd be all around the house like that if there'd been a divorce...so I thought she was--" Renji was cut off once more.

"Dead." Ichigo said, softly, the alcohol no longer making him silly and somewhat happy. It was furthering the sadness and guilt he felt over his mother's death. If he was sober he would've remembered the fact that alcohol is actually a depressant. But, he wasn't sober, so he didn't realize it.

"It ain't yer fault, Ichigo..." Renji said, reaching over to gently touch the back of Ichigo's hand with his fingertips. He wouldn't insult Ichigo by holding his hand and implying he was needy or in some way weak. That wouldn't be something a woman or girl would get from the gesture of holding one's hand, but...Ichigo and Renji were not girls and they looked at things in a man's perspective. They didn't need someone to hold their hands like a little child crossing the street for the first time.

"How can you say somethin like that? You don't know! You know NOTHING! You don't know what happened that day, you weren't there!" Ichigo yelled, jerking his hand away.

He was not angry with Renji over the subtle, supportive touch. He was angry over Renji's assumption that he knew about something he had only assumed had happened in the first place.

"You're right, Ichigo. I don't know. I wasn't there. But, you ain't the type to maliciously hurt somebody." Renji said, gently. He wasn't any good at this supportive stuff, but he was trying!

"Renji..." He looked up at the red-haired Shinigami with all the guilt and sadness reflected in his eyes of years of dwelling on the loss of his mother in one way or another.

"Tell me, Ichi..." Renji said, giving Ichigo permission to dump all of the negative emotions on him for a while.

"I drew the Hollow...I fell for his bait...and she got killed instead. And...and she'd still be alive today if it weren't for me, damn it!" Ichigo yelled, barely keeping the tears at bay. He wouldn't have had a problem with the tears at all if he'd been sober. But, he seemed to be an emotional drunk.

"Ichigo...you can't change what's already happened. And I never knew yer mom...but yer lucky for the time you both had together and I'm sure she wouldn't want ya to be blamin yerself for this or hurtin over it like this, either." Renji had no idea what would be an appropriate response, so he said simply what he thought. Ichigo's sister Karin was a lot like Ichigo, and Ichigo was an intense young man, and Yuzu was overly innocent and their father was...well, crazy...from what Renji had seen of him. But, they were all good people. He found it hard to believe that Ichigo's mother wouldn't be.

"I know that!" Ichigo growled. "I know that...but, I can't help it. And I know I can't change it! But, I can stop it from happening again, damn it!" He slammed his fist on the table again, no longer about to cry.

"So, you fight." Renji guessed.

"Yeah. So I fight. I wanna make sure that there ain't nobody gonna hurt or die because of me again. That's why I get depressed when I lose...I'm not scared or upset about the opponent themselves...But because if I can lose once, I can lose again. And if I lose..." Ichigo took a deep breath.

"If you lose, it's like letting everybody that you care about down and they'll be hurt because you weren't strong enough to protect them. Like that day with yer mom?" Renji supplied for him.

"Yes..." Ichigo answered, once again seeming about to cry.

Renji decided that this emotional shit needed to stop for a while, at least the emotion on this level. He was glad Ichigo shared this with him, it showed that he trusted him with the big stuff on some level, even if he had to be drunk first. He was sure Ichigo wouldn't have let himself be coaxed otherwise, even if he was almost unconscious from the drink. But, if it depressed Ichigo too much, it wasn't good.

"So, if you were gay, who would you sleep with?" Renji asked, unnecessarily cheerful.

Ichigo blinked and smirked a bit. The conversation had sobered him a little more and he realized Renji was using this as a diversion. He really would have to be a little nicer to Renji. A little.

"Dunno, never thought about it." Ichigo said, vaguely.

"Wouldja sleep with me?" Renji asked, wiggling his tattooed eyebrows suggestively.

"Well...I might consider it. If I were gay. Which I'm not. But, either way, I dunno if you'd be my type. I mean, you're tall, broad-shouldered and I suppose you could pass as handsome..." Ichigo said, eying Renji.

Renji's eye twitched. "You suppose I could pass as handsome?! What the fuck! I'm smokin hot, you jerk!"

Ichigo grinned. "Well, I don't see that...but whatever floats your boat. Anyway, I was going to say that if you had a big dick and, again, if I were gay, I would probably be more inclined to agree to sleep with you."

"Please, Ichi. You couldn't handle the full size of my dick. Halfway maybe...but anymore than that and you'd be whimpering because it hurt too much." Renji said, flipping his hair, which he'd put in a braid earlier, behind his shoulder.

"I would not!" Ichigo yelled.

"Yeah ya would!" Renji yelled back, smirking.

"You just wish, yer probably microscopic anyway!" Ichigo shot at him, leaning over the table.

"I ain't either! Ain't no virgin could take a monster like mine!" Renji yelled, leaning over his side of the table as well, his face inches away from Ichigo's.

"Well, I could!" Ichigo growled, but didn't move any closer.

Renji smirked and moved to sit back down on his pillow, sipping his drink once more, eyes never leaving Ichigo's as he did so.

"Wanna prove it, Ichi?" Renji asked, a hand disappearing beneath the table, but it was no secret what he was doing as his arm made a back-and-forth movement as he rubbed himself through his uniform.

"...Who the hell said you could call me Ichi, anyway?!" Ichigo yelled, glaring and sitting back on his own pillow, changing the subject instead of taking Renji's bait.

Renji just smirked and sipped more of his drink. He'd get his strawberry dessert yet!

End


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